The sad behind the mad
When I started as a Bridges to Success Coach in May of 2024, I didn’t realize how much of a mirror the youths I served would be for me, and I for them.
I had only been a Bridges Coach for a couple of months when I first experienced a young person completely losing her temper. She was talking about an interaction with a peer at school that day – and I was shocked by how quickly her mood escalated. Her voice filled with anger and hatred, and I was on the receiving end.
For a few minutes I was in such disbelief that I didn’t know how to deescalate – but I was determined to support her. When I saw an opening, I quietly asked her to “try catching your breath.” She looked into my eyes and whispered, ‘I am just very mad, everybody thinks I’m an angry person all the time.’ Tears started rolling down her cheeks. Thanks to a Trauma Response Training I had attended a few weeks earlier, it occurred to me that this young woman was triggered by her friend. To find out, I said, ‘Seems to me like you are more sad than mad.’ She nodded. In that moment I was filled with empathy because it was clear her anger was really an attempt to communicate with me – a naive tactic to convey her deep sadness of not feeling seen or heard, and of being constantly misunderstood by others.
The following day we set a goal, and over the next couple of weeks we began working on developing an effective communication skill set. In her eagerness to learn and grow, she started therapy. Over time, she developed the self-awareness to recognize when someone was triggering her, so she could set healthy boundaries. Today, this young lady has an incredible natural support system of friends and coworkers. And she continues to do the courageous work of healing in therapy.
As I watched her grow, I started noticing that I was growing, too. Now, when someone reacts towards me in anger, I listen to more than just the words and facial expressions. I am better at being curious about the true source of the anger. And to the young lady who initiated this life lesson in me, I say, ‘”Thank you”.
